Dear God-

Today is hard. My kids woke up fighting, and it hasn't stopped. They don't like one another. I know this is a reflection on the way I have raised them to this point and I feel awful. I am so sorry.

Before I had kids, I had a vivid picture of what kind of mom I would be. I would teach, train and direct. I would take them to rest homes and do service. I would teach them charity, love, kindness, meekness. I would hold them and laugh with them and keep them safe. I would protect them. Then, life happened. And in the process, I lost track of what I had pictured. I chose to simply survive. I chose to simply do what had to be done. I stopped teaching, training and directing... or maybe I never even started.

Jackson is going to be eleven this year. I am not sure that I have taught them one story out of the scriptures. I am not sure I have actually sat down and taught them anything. I go through the motions everyday of surviving, mortally. But, what about the eternal importances? Do they know any of them? If they do, it's not because of me.

Many nights, at the end of a long day, I have thought that my babies would have been so much better off with someone else. Someone better. Someone more patient. Someone who used the time available for good. Someone who taught them about the gospel and it's truths. They deserve better. They always have.

But, they got me. You chose me for them. I have to do better. I must. I picture that string in a Sunday School class, you know - the one that stretches across the room. It has that little tiny black mark on it. That mark represents life on Earth. It is hardly noticeable, but it is there and it is a part of that string. We have so little time to make this work and to do it well. I have to start today. I have to start now.

With regret,
Heidi