The next day was a Wednesday... my kids had been so excited! Our second trip to Lagoon for the summer. From the moment we got there, however, my mind, my heart, my body was somewhere else... it wasn't there with my kids. I forced smiles on my face as I watched my quorum run and jump and play. I had a continuous stream of fresh tears running down my face. I felt tired... so tired. And done. But not for too much longer, because I had a plan. I knew that I had 40 Gabpentin, 30 Lortab and 25 Percocet at home in the medicine cabinet and those three things were going to help me get home... to the realy home.
I text Miss Birdie and told her I was done, tired of being tired, feeling of no worth, feeling sad and angry and scared, and that I loved her... because I do. She fought with me for what seemed like forever. My brain hated her. A lot. The last string of soul that I had loved her. When we got home from Lagoon, my dad took my boys and my step mom took me to the hospital. I was beligerent...Oh was I nasty! I told them repeatedly to let me go home and do what I so badly wanted to do. The answer was repeatedly no. I hated them as much as I hated Miss Birdie now. They "blue-sheeted" me and took away all of my freedom. They medicated me. They monitored me constantly.
One thing that stuck out to me that the attending physician said was, "You, Heidi, in my opinion are worth saving." I could have kicked him in the privates at that point... but it stuck with me. He, a stranger, thought that I was worth saving.
I stayed the night in the ER at Alta View Hospital until a bed at LDS came available. I was transported by ambulance Thursday... and my journey began.
No comments:
Post a Comment