I think like many of us, when I was young, I had a picture in my mind of what being a grown up would look like. I would have a husband who loved me unconditionally. I would have children. I would be a teacher or a nurse. I would visit nursing homes, with my children, every week to sing and hand out crafts. I would be patient and kind and soft. My family would be perfect.

But, like many of us, things didn't exactly work out that way. I have had more than one marriage. In my eyes, I failed at the others. I have children, but they have had struggles and health problems and trials. I hadn't planned on that. I have never taken my children to a nursing home, except to say goodbye to my dead great uncle. I struggle with patience, with kindness and especially with a soft voice.

Tonight, I cried to my little brother who lives clear across the country. He has always been the one I have cried to. When I broke up with my high school boyfriend, he went with me to do it. He had to drive. I was hysterical. When my babies have been sick, I have cried to him. When I have felt lonely or sad, I have cried to him. Tonight, I found out that my dad, whose divorce from my mom was final last week is getting married next month. Tonight, I text my brother then cried to him, again.

I feel a little bit empty. I feel a little bit drained. I feel not so brave tonight. Tonight, my brother listened to me cry again. I love you Brandon.